Crap Blog Detective

Disappointment Awaits

2012-01-26T13:51:00.000-08:00

It's been over a year, and hopefully the standard of moronic writing has improved. I sincerely hope that I am going to find interesting, informative and witty anecdotes and blogs.

I have a feeling I am going to be severely disappointed....

Your Blog Still Sucks

2010-08-31T08:46:00.000-07:00

I pity you, you pointless bloggers. Your blogs are a confused vomiting of thoughts that are so worthless, so extremely boring and so nauseatingly monotonous that it should be made law that if you have nothing interesting to blog about, then do not blog at all. Please close down your 486, leave the basement, and find something interesting to share, rather than typing about the most meaningless and trivial things.

Worse still, there are people who sift through the regurgitated nonsense and add their own opinion in the form of comments. What qualifies them to add an opinion on someone's pathetic life? The reason they blog about their pointless and meaningless life is that no-one within breathing distance gives a toss about them. Yet by commenting on this undiluted filth people give them the oxygen of encouragement to continue. Furthermore, they are most probably completely unqualified to comment about any subject other than counting the number of fingers they possess on one hand.

Since my absence, I had hoped to see an improvement in the blogging world. I had hoped my carefully crafted reasoned and compassionate advice would have done marvels and raised the bar for blogging excellence. Instead I find that the reverse has happened. Without my support, the socially-unaware misfortunates have fallen back into their old sorry ways.

Humorously, there a number of comments on my previous posts from servile self-seeking sycophants advertising the warblings of a bipolar banshee. These hopeless cries for my attention will merely be laughed at.

Time to get to work….

Stupid Twat Blog

2009-12-08T11:13:00.000-08:00

Nothing annoys me more than a blogger acting like a stupid twat. Check out this blogger and his yellow brackets - he has posted a remarkably stupid entry about basically nothing: http://boy-on-a-bike.blogspot.com/2009/12/stupid-twat.html.

Here he goes - he's gone hard right and he's about to post his blog the wrong way, oblivious to traffic coming to his webpage. No wonder the Crap Blog Detective gets shitty.

He's hard to see against the dark background, but trust me, he's in that yellow box.

Here's a screen dump of one of my least favourite twats on the internet.

It just goes to show that fitness, strength and stamina will burn off most twats any day of the week. It would not surprise me to see twat under a bus one day. CBD rating - zero.

Freebie-Whore Blogs

2009-11-24T10:40:00.000-08:00

There is increasingly a number of blogs dedicated to promoting dreadful products by so-called 'Housewives' or 'Home-makers'. In exchange for a free sample, these freebie-whores inform their sycophantic audience how wonderful this product is. Usually in the 'review' (of which I have yet to see a vaguely negative one) there is an obviously fictitious anecdote concerning how this product somehow saved the day in the course of these 'stay-at-home mum's' uninteresting day.

Of course, if a company has to resort to bribing a blog writer in order to sell a product, it should give a clear indication on how good that product really is.

It should be made the law that these sorts of blogs are banned, as they clearly prey on the gullible and stupid - the normal audience for these thinly-veiled advertisement blogs.

The Right to Reply

2009-11-17T13:10:00.000-08:00

The Crap Blog Detective believes in the right to reply, even if your opinion is worthless. Any deleted comment on this blog is by the comment author and not by myself. I can understand that in that one moment of reflection you realise that your comment was invalid to start with. Embarrassment about what you have writing is nothing to be ashamed of. When I review a blog I always intend to help people in the most sincerest way. Not everyone is mature enough to be able to handle constructive criticism.

Comment Annoyance

2009-11-06T13:47:00.000-08:00

The Crap Blog Detective is a calm and serene man who never flinches in the face of adversity. As you know I am a very busy man and in my line of work I strive to be as efficient as possible. Unfortunately my work is often hindered by the abhorrence which is known in jargon as "word verification". Many bloggers are delaying my sage advice by using this obnoxious and pointless security measure.

For those of you who have submitted a desire for me to review your blog, I am asking for patience. I am well aware that you consider my advice worth waiting for.

Having Followers Is No Justification For Being Delusional

2009-11-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

After giving out some much needed advice to a variety of bloggers, I find myself being quite surprised to see that they choose to ignore my wisdom, and inform me that as they have numerous followers, they cannot possibly be wrong.

In the 1940s there was a little German fellow with a small moustache who had millions of followers. Are you saying he wasn't wrong?

5 things the Crap Blog Detective hates:

2009-10-31T10:42:00.001-07:00

1. Arts & Crafts; no one cares about your dreadful attempts at art consisting of sticking a load of rubbish items on a singular larger piece of rubbish. Special Needs children do this every day and are better.

2. Photographs of children; you might be proud of what you have produced but really no one is interested in your offspring. Most bloggers children are ugly by default.

3. Amateur-fiction; to all you budding writers you are not published for a reason. Stop it!

4. Army-wives; whilst I understand why your husband wants to spend months away from you, your life remains empty.

5. Blog-awards; crap bloggers sticking feathers up each others arses is just tragic.

Tips to improve your blog

2009-10-21T09:49:00.000-07:00

- write something interesting
- do not use hideous backgrounds
- use a font people can actually read
- less is most definitely more

The Crap Blog Detective is here to help. If asked politely I am delighted to help you.

Your Blog is a waste of internet

2009-09-09T12:26:00.001-07:00

Stop wasting your time and find something you are good at instead

Feel free to convince me otherwise......

Crap fanmail

2009-09-09T02:52:00.000-07:00

For the fan involved: not only your blog sucks but your paint skills are equally bad.